I froze

I remember that time you almost hit me. You said you almost did it. Do you remember that? Almost 4 years ago. Anger and rage and you raised your hand at me. 

And I froze.

I remember the screaming that carried over the water because you were worried about your phone. 

And I froze.

I remember when you would split any time there was something nice happening in your world.

And I froze.

I remember trying to shut down my emotions so "you didn't feel them" and being a blank slate to not upset the energy.

I would freeze.

I remember walking on egg shells. I remember keeping so many things to myself. If i said them, hinted at them, you would split.

i would freeze.

I re read them. Every note I made, every post I submitted. Ones for my eyes only.

The depression. The anxiety. The trauma. The truth. 

I remember the love bombing that would leave me feeling sick with worry of when the other shoe would drop. Or even worse that you would stop hurting me and when I had hope, it would be destroyed.

Insistent

The shock 

The shaking

As I get to the dock

Thoughts are in the making

Everlasting thought

The unbeatable need 

Making the skin taught

Watching it bleed

I need to stop 

This isn't good

Forearm on top

I would if I could

It is insistent 

Endless and repetitive 

It's the only constant 

Coming like a sieve 

Something, anything

 Digging at the same spot to feel something,

Anything.

At night using a knife you gave me

Makes me feel close so I can feel

Something

Anything 

At work I use a simple paper clip

Anything to bleed

Last night I sobbed as a rope around my neck

Tighter

Higher

I stopped because I'm such a coward

The lights went dim

Breathing hitched 

The brain went fuzzy 

Oxygen deprivation 

The other night I tried pills

I woke up so fucked up

I thought it would work 

Why didn't it work

I thought I would feel something,

Anything

Everything

 This town is you 

The streets we drove

The parking lots

Everything is you 

The memories swarm

All the seconds I'm awake

Even when I dream

Everything is you

The wound won't heal

I scratch 

I take the knife

That once was yours

To dig in another layer 

Everything is you 

I wanted to marry you

Have a home

I was looking at rings

Silver necklaces 

Every thought is about you

Everything is you

And I always leave my door open

Just in case

It never is the case

I never was enough 

Obsessed

Would you take the cats

Would my mom?

Would any of it matter

Obsessed 

Obsessed 

Obsessed 

The masks I wear

At work

In company

In public

Breaking me 

Obsessed 

Obsessed 

Obsessed 

Few moments of truth

The real thoughts inside

Opening up 

It doesn't help

It isn't helping 

Obsessed 

Obsessed 

Obsessed 

Crisis lines,

Intake forms

Hot lines.

It doesn't help

It isn't helping

Nothing is helping

And I'm so fucking scared 

Drive

 One more restless night

Sleep evades the soul

Try and try as I might

It's out of my control

I'm getting close

Just another day

What I'll miss most

Is hearing you're OK

Cutting the same spot

Here on my arm

Lies, they had bought

That it's not self harm 

I think I'll go for a drive

Somewhere in the city

It will be a surprise 

Even to me.

I'm getting close

Their empty words ring hollow

Would you

I swear you get off on my misery

What would happen if I did it

Would you weep

Would you keep away

Would you mourn

Would you breathe relief?

Sitting there smiling

Laughing 

Having no remorse 

Of the pain you've caused me

The pain the persists

How do you not care at all

That you're doing more harm than good